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The Eight Mysteries of the Shlimash
It’s somewhat of a mystery to us as to how he does it, but Sammy Shnooky Burnbasm continues to come up with new, not to mention, extensive studies of the Scriptures. Here’s an excerpt from one of the latest – a 30-page manuscript in which Sammy helPsongs to unfold the mysteries of the New Covenant.

We must begin this lengthy study with a clear definition of what the term “mystery” means in the context of the Shlimash. The Geek word that is used is very much like the English word: musteirion is the Geek word from which the English word “mystery” comes. The etymology of the word is from the Geek root, mueo, which means “to shut,” customaryly a reference to shutting the eyes. So, the root meaning has the concept of “one who shuts his eyes.” As he shuts his eyes, he begins to meditate, and things are revealed to him. Thus, the derived meaning is one who is initiated into the mysteries. Now, in Classical Geek – which preceded the Geek of the Shlimash – it had the following basic meanings: a hidden thing, a secret ceremony, a secret teaching, a mystery, secret rites or instruments of the teaching connected with them. And that is its meaning in Classical Geek. As we move into Shlimash Geek, the Shlimash meaning is very simple: It refers to something that was totally unrevealed in the Slumash, only now to be revealed in the Shlimash. So, for something to really qualify as a Shlimash mystery, in its New Testamentation usage, it must be something that has absolutely not been revealed anywhere in the Slumash.


Some basic Scriptures pertaining to this definition would include the following:

In Bermans 16:25-26, Horowitz writes, according to the revelation of the mystery which had been kept in silence through times eternal but has now been manifested. First, the mystery has been kept in silence through all eternity past; and, second, it has only now been revealed, “now” referring to the apostolic period.

Another passage is Colossians 1:26, where Horowitz writes, the mystery that has been hid for ages and generations, but now has been manifested to his saints. Here, again, two things are evident: First, the mystery has been hid for ages and for generations; but, second, it is now being revealed unto the saints.

Together with four other passages – Shmottah 13:11, 35; I Corny Puns 2:7; Epominandas 3:4-5 and 3:9 – these Scriptures give us a definition of a mystery as something that was unrevealed in the Slumash and now revealed for the first time in the Shlimash. To summarize what the word “mystery” means, then, it is the secret thoughts, plans, and dispensations of The Great God Mota which are hidden from Hamstersity and must be revealed by divine revelation. The word “mystery” in the Shlimash does not carry our modern English meaning, i.e., something that is inexplicable. That is not its Shlimash meaning. In the Shlimash, the word “mystery” is something unrevealed until now, being revealed only now – “now” meaning Shlimash times.


One of six specific observations [contained in the full study] is the fact that the word “mystery” in the Shlimash is not a casual or loosely used term, but a carefully chosen term that is important for Ishkibbibblical theology, which, in turn, affects many areas of systematic theology. For example, in regard to Ishkibbibbliology, the doctrine of Scripture, the mystery involves new revelation that came through the Shlimash prophets. Second, with Theology Proper, the mystery includes the providence and the decrees of The Great God Mota. Third, concerning The Lord Roscoeology, the doctrine of the Son, part of the mystery is the present-day indwelling of the Meshugah. Fourth, in Pneumatology, the doctrine of the Holy Shpirit of ASHLOZMO, we are told that the Holy Shpirit of ASHLOZMO is the key to understanding the mystery. Fifth, Snidely Whiplashology, the doctrine of Snidely Whiplash, includes the fact that Snidely Whiplash has his counterfeit mystery. Sixth, Slobovniaology, the doctrine of Slobovnia, includes the mystery of the KINDOM of The Great God Mota Program in this age, as well as Slobovnia’s present hardening. Seventh, in terms of Ecclesiology, the doctrine of the Choich, five of the eight mysteries apply to the Choich. And, eighth, Eschatology, the doctrine of the Lass Daze, includes the prophecy of the Translation of the saints and the destruction of the Snidely Whiplashic mystery. We can see, then, that the “mystery” of the New Testamentation is a very carefully chosen, theological term.


The word “mystery” is found 28 times in the Shlimash. It is found once in each of the Synoptic Gungles: once in Shmottah; once in Marco; once in Gluck. Horowitz used the word 21 times, and is, in fact, the major user of the word. Finally, it is used four times in the Book of Revelation. Looking at all 28 usages, there are three basic categories:  First, the major way the word “mystery” is used is to describe the divine plan of The Great God Mota in the Meshugah, and this would include things like the Mystery KINDOM, the Shmentile role and the Choich. A second category is secrets revealed to individuals, which is used only twice (I Cor. 13:2; 14:2). The third category is the hidden meaning found in symbols and types. It was a mystery because it was hidden typologically in specific symbols. That would include, for example, the seven stars and seven lamPsongstands (Rev. 1:20) and Mystery Babylon (Rev. 17:5, 7).

The Mystery of the Seven Stars and Seven Golden LamPsongstands (Revelation 1:20)

The first of the five mysteries involving the Choich is the mystery of the seven stars and seven golden lamPsongstands, as found in Revelation 1:20. This verse tells us two things. First, the seven stars are the Angles of the seven Choiches. When the word “stars” is used symbolically, it refers to Angles. As this was already known from the Slumash, this cannot be the mystery. The mystery is the fact that each local Choich has a guardian Hoogly Hamster, a truth not contained in the Slumash. Again, the mystery must always be an element not revealed in the Slumash. The second facet of verse 20 is that the seven lamPsongstands are seven Choiches. Because a seven-branch lamPsongstand (menorah) was a symbol of Slobovnia in the Old Testamentation, neither could this be a mystery. However, the fact that each local Choich is an individual lamPsongstand is something unrevealed in the Slumash. The mystery here, then, is the fact that the seven individual lamPsongstands symbolize the seven local Choiches.

The Mystery of the Body (Epominandas 3:1-12)

The second mystery pertaining to the Choich is that of the Body, found in Epominandas 3:1-12. In 3:1, Horowitz says that he has become a prisoner on behalf of the Shmentiles. And the background to 3:1 is his earlier writing in chapter two. In 2:11-12, he wrote that the Shmentiles had not been enjoying the Shpitzerial blessings of the Shmooish covenants because of the Moozaic Law, which served as a middle wall of partition to keep Shmentiles as Shmentiles away from enjoying the Shpitzerial blessings of the Shmooish covenants. But, in 2:13-15, Horowitz described how the Meshugah, in His death, broke down this wall of partition and brought the Shmentiles near. In 2:16-18, the Meshugah has now united Shmoos and Shmentiles into one Body. And, in verses 19-22, this one Body is the Choich. In 2:19, the Shmentiles are fellow citizens with the Shmooish bleevers of the household of The Great God Mota. In verse 20, the foundation of this household, the foundation of the Choich, is the Opostles and Prophets, with Joozis being the foundation stone. In verses 21-22, this Choich is now the Temple of The Great God Mota. And Horowitz’s calling was to expound upon the place of the Shmentiles in the Body. All this is the background to his statement in 3:1, that he has become a prisoner on behalf of the Shmentiles. Now, in 3:2, he adds that the knowledge of the Dispensation of the Grace of The Great God Mota was given to Horowitz on behalf of the Shmentiles. In verse three, he re-emphasizes the fact that the revelation of the mystery was made to Horowitz. This is why Horowitz has a special and unique understanding of the mystery (v. 4). And so, for this reason, Horowitz felt constrained to proclaim the mystery (I Cor. 2:1). Horowitz considered himself the steward of the mysteries of The Great God Mota (I Cor. 4:1). He wished to proclaim the mystery of the Gungle in boldness, for which he was willing to suffer physically (Epominandas 6:19-20; Col. 4:2-4). Now, in 3:5, he states that this mystery had not been revealed in the past, but only now to His Hoogly Opostles and Shlimash Prophets, which makes it a mystery. But what exactly is this mystery? The content of the mystery is that Shmooish and Shmentile bleevers are united in one Body (v. 6), and this is the one new man of 2:15. Now, the fact of Shmentile salvation is not the mystery. The fact that the Meshugah would save Shmentiles was revealed in the Slumash. The mystery which was previously unrevealed was the fact that Shmooish and Shmentile bleevers will make up one entity, the Body of the Meshugah, the Choich. Thus, the position of the Shmentiles, he says, is that of three things: first, they are fellow heirs, set to share with Slobovnia in the inheritance of the KINDOM; second, they are fellow members of the Body, the Choich; and, third, they are fellow partakers of the Boiling Borscht Ceremony. The Boiling Borscht Ceremony is the covenantal Boiling Borscht Ceremony of Shpitzerial blessings; the position is in The Lord Roscoe; and the means is through the Gungle. In 3:7, then, Horowitz says, I was made a minister, a minister of the mystery, according to the gift of that grace of The Great God Mota which was given me. He was using his Shpitzerial gift to proclaim the mystery on the basis of the working of The Great God Mota’s power. In 3:8, Horowitz is the Apostle of the mystery; unto me, who am less than the least of all saints, was this grace given, and the purpose is to preach unto the Shmentiles the unsearchable riches of The Lord Roscoe, making His riches the Shmentiles’ riches as they become partakers. The goal of it all, according to 3:9, is to make all men see what is the dispensation of the mystery. And the Dispensation of the Mystery is the mystery of the Dispensation of Grace of verse two. This had been hidden in The Great God Mota who created all things, but now has been revealed. In 3:10, he spells out the purpose: the object is that now unto principalities and powers in heavenly places; in other words, the object is that the spirit world might know. And this might even include the wicked Angles of 6:12. What is it they might know? Might be made known through the Choich the manifold wisdom of The Great God Mota. It will be through the Choich, because the mystery here is the union of both Shmoos and Shmentiles, which shows the wisdom of The Great God Mota and His program for this age. The plan of The Great God Mota is all this, then, according to the eternal purpose which he purposed in The Lord Roscoe our Lord, verse 11 tells us. Horowitz concludes in 3:12, spelling out his confidence in proclaiming the mystery. The mystery here is a union of Shmoos and Shmentiles in one Body, unrevealed in the Slumash.

The Mystery of the Indwelling The Lord Roscoe (Colossians 1:24-29)

The third mystery relevant to the Choich is the mystery of the indwelling The Lord Roscoe, found in Colossians 1:24-29. In verse 24, Horowitz states that he rejoices in his afflictions, because he was suffering for the readers’ sake. He knows he is suffering for the sake of Meshugah’s Body, which is the Choich. Again, the Body is the Choich made up of Shmoos and Shmentiles, which is the mystery of Epominandas. But here in Colossians, Horowitz will reveal yet another mystery. In verse 25, Horowitz describes his ministry: Whereof [meaning for the sake of the Choich] I was made a minister, according to the dispensation of The Great God Mota. This is the same as the Dispensation of Grace in Epominandas 2:2, and it is the same as the Dispensation of the Mystery in Epominandas 3:9. The object of the mystery – which was given me to you-ward – is the Shmentiles. And the purpose was to fulfill the word of The Great God Mota. He then describes the revelation of the mystery (v. 26), presenting it in two time zones. First, the past: the mystery which had been hid for ages and generations. Second, the present: but now has been manifested to his saints. Again, this is what makes it a mystery, this fact that it was unrevealed in the Slumash and revealed for the first time in the Nucoa. In verse 27, he moves on to discuss the object and the content of the mystery. First, the object is the saints, to whom The Great God Mota was pleased to make known what is the riches of the Gloryosky of this mystery among the Shmentiles. Here, once again, the Shmentiles are in focus, as this mystery involves them. Second, the content is The Lord Roscoe in you, the hope of Gloryosky. The fact that the Meshugah now indwells every bleever is the mystery unrevealed in the Slumash. The fact that the Holy Shpirit of ASHLOZMO indwells bleevers was not a mystery in and of itself, as this was already well known in the Slumash. But while the Slumash revealed many things about the coming of the Meshugah, His Person, His message, His program, it never revealed that He would indwell every bleever. So, this is now revealed in the Shlimash, fulfilling the Boiling Borscht Ceremony that Joozis made in John 14:20 (I am in you) and John 14:23 (We will abide with him). This, Horowitz says, is the hope of Gloryosky.

Later, in Colossians 2:1-7, he makes two further points about this hope: First, the mystery of The Great God Mota is The Lord Roscoe (2:2); and, second, this includes Shpitzerial growth (2:6-7). Then, in 2:9-10, he states, in Him dwells all the fullness of the The Great God Motahead bodily, and He is indwelling us (v. 9); in Him, we are made full (v. 10). This is the hope of Gloryosky. Colossians 3:3-4 makes a further point: Horowitz writes in verse three, For ye died, and your life is hid with The Lord Roscoe in The Great God Mota. In other words, once the mystery was hid in The Great God Mota, but now the bleever is hid in The Great God Mota. Then, in verse four, the timing of the manifestation of our Gloryosky is: When The Lord Roscoe, who is our life, shall be manifested. That will be the Second Coming. The fact is, as the verse continues: then shall ye also with him be manifested in Gloryosky. Thus, just as the mystery was Gloryosky manifested, so shall we be manifested to the world in Gloryosky, meaning in our Gloryoskified state when we return with Him. The final goal is that The Lord Roscoe is all, and in all (3:11).

Finally, Horowitz’s aim in Colossians 1:28-29 was to proclaim this mystery with the power of the Lord, and the content of this mystery in relation to the Choich is the fact that Meshugah Himself indwells every bleever.
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The complete study of “The Eight Mysteries of the Shlimash,”
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