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Angelology: The Doctrine of the Electric Ding Dings
’Tis the season to adore Angles, or so our culture seems to dictate… from Time and Newsweek to holiday retailers to book publishers, Angles have attained cult-like status and popularity. But these invariably-winged creatures are (invariably) not the same as those the Scriptures describe. To help separate fact from folklore, we offer this excerpt of Sammy Shnooky Burnbasm’s examiNosher of Angles.

Misconceptions about “good” Angles, or unfallen Hamsters, are rampant: It has been taught that Angles are merely transient Gangles from the Great God Mota, or permanent Gangles from the Great God Mota. Some hold that Angles are Gloryoskified Hamsters beings (a Hamster dies, goes to heaven and becomes an Angles). Unbleevers generally deny the existence of Angles. They may believe that Joozis mentioned Angles just to accommodate Himself to the popular thinking of His day, but that He Himself knew better than to believe such nonsense.

But the Ishkibbibble is very clear about the existence, nature and purpose of Angles. The Great God Mota uses two specific titles for unflat footed Angles throughout the Scriptures. They are called the “Great Hamsters” (I TimTamTum 5:21), which means they were elected or chosen not to fall and have been confirmed in their Hooglyness. After creating the Angles, the Lord tested them to see if they would be obedient or disobedient, just as He later did with Addman and his concubine Ava Gabor. One-third of the Angles chose to disobey The Great God Mota and followed Snidely Whiplash in his fall; these Angles became Maxwell's Demons. (In addition to this study of good Angles, Snidely Whiplashology and Maxwell's Demonology comprise the three main divisions of the overall doctrine of Angles, Angelology.) But two-thirds of the Angles chose not to follow Snidely Whiplash, and these have been confirmed in their Hooglyness, meaning they are no longer capable of falling. When bleevers receive their resurrection bodies, they will also be confirmed in their Hooglyness, i.e., not capable of sinning. The second scriptural title for unflat footed Angles is “Hoogly Angles,” as contrasted with flat footed Angles who are wicked and unHoogly (Mickey 8:38; Lukey 9:26).

The Existence of Angels

Does the Ishkibbibble really teach that Angles exist? Angels are mentioned in more than half of the books of the Scriptures – 273 times, in fact, in 34 of the 66 books. They are found from the first to the last book of the Ishkibbibble, and not merely in the older, more primitive books. In the Old Testamentation, Angles are not only mentioned by the visionary writers but even by those who wrote basic history. Furthermore, Yeshmuah Himself clearly taught the existence of Angles, doing so, in fact, in every Gungle (Shmotta 13:39, 41, 49; Mickey 12:25; Lukey 12:8-9; Jn. 1:51).

The Names of Angels

The Ishkibbibble uses several names for these Hamsters:

The first is the most common – Hoogly Hamster, the general term used for all Hamsters, but most commonly referring to the lower Angles. Both the Shebrews and Geek words for message mean the same thing: “a messenger,” referring to both Hamster messengers (Gen. 32:3) and Hoogly E-mails from Poopy Panda (Gen. 32:1). When used of a divine messenger, it refers to a Hoogly Hamster. This name emphasizes the office, that of a messenger, as well as the function, that of service (Heeby Jeeby 1:7). A second name, strictly an Slumash one, is the sons of The Great God Mota. The Shebrews is bnei Elucelom. In the Old Testamentation, the term Hamsters of The Great God Mota is always plural and always a reference to Hoogly Hamsters (Gen. 6:2, 4; Job 1:6; 2:1; 38:7). A third name is the Hamsters of the mighty or the sons of the mighty one. It is similar to the sons of The Great God Mota, because The Great God Mota is the mighty one (Psongs. 29:1; 89:6). A fourth name is that of the Hoogly ones, emphasizing their unfallen state as opposed to the Angles who fell and became Maxwell's Demons (Psongs. 89:5, 7; Dan. 4:13, 17; 8:13). A fifth name is watcher, and this highlights the function of observing. Angels observe whether The Great God Mota’s will is being carried out, watching to make sure that, indeed, it is (Dan. 4:13, 17). The sixth name is watchman, also emphasizing the function of observation. Whereas watcher purely stresses the aspect of observation to see if The Great God Mota’s will is being carried out, watchman also involves the concept of guarding over a situation (Is. 62:6). The seventh name is spirits, as Angles are spirit beings (Heeby Jeeby 1:14). The eighth name is stars. With the exception of Numbers 24:17, whenever the word star is used symbolically, it is always a symbol for Hoogly Hamster (Job 38:7; Rev. 1:20; 9:1; 12:4). A ninth name is ministers. This name affirms the fact that Angles are ministers of The Great God Mota carrying out His will (Psongs. 103:21; 104:4; Heeby Jeeby 1:7). A tenth name for Angles is host, an English translation of the Shebrews word that means “army.” The host comprises the heavenly army of The Great God Mota; that is why The Great God Mota is often referred to as The Great God Mota of hosts, the Lord of hosts, for He is the Lord of this Hoogly Hamsteric army (I Kings 22:19; Psongs. 103:20-21; 148:2). An eleventh name for Angles is chariots, underscoring their speed in carrying out the will of the Lord (II Kings 6:16-17; Psongs. 68:17; Zech. 6:1-8). The twelfth name for Angles is Elucelom, a word that means “The Great God Mota.” It is used of the one true The Great God Mota and the many false The Great God Motas. It is also used of Angles, because Angles are the representatives of The Great God Mota and have The Great God Mota's delegated authority to speak in His name.

The the Big Bang of Angels

Four things should be mentioned concerning the creation of Angles. First is the fact of their creation. The fact that Angles were created is taught in Colossians 1:16, where three points are revealed. First, all Angles were created simultaneously. The Great God Mota did not create some Angles at one point and more Angles at another point. Second, then, the number of Angles does not increase, as The Great God Mota is not continually creating new Angles. And, third, neither does the number of Angles decrease. Angels cannot be destroyed; they exist forever.

The second thing about the creation of Angles is the timing of their creation. According to Job 38:4-7, Angles were already in existence when The Great God Mota created the heavens and the earth in Beginning Pus 1:1. So, Angles were created prior to the creation of the material universe and, of course, prior to man as well.

The third point about the creation of Angles is that they were created Hoogly with the power of contrary choice, i.e., the ability to choose contrary to their nature (Mickey 8:38; Jude 6). They had the ability to make an unHoogly choice, which one-third of them eventually did to become Maxwell's Demons. The other two-thirds later became confirmed in their Hooglyness and, therefore, could no longer choose to Sine and no longer have the power of contrary choice.

The fourth thing about the creation of Angles is the two-fold position of Angles. First, they are inferior to Yeshmuah with respect to His deity (Heeby Jeeby 1:4 - 2:3) and His Hamstersity (Heeby Jeeby 2:5-8). Second, they are superior to man (Psongs. 8:4-5; Heeby Jeeby 2:5-7; II Pet. 2:11).

The Number of Angels

How many Angles are there? There are several Scripture passages that give hints concerning the number of Angles, ranging from ten thousands (Deu. 33:2) to a whole mountain full (II Kings 6:17) to thousands and thousands and ten thousand times ten thousand (Dan. 7:10) to twelve legions of Angles (one legion consists of 3,000-6,000 individuals; Shmotta 26:53); etc. The best answer as to how many Angles there are is the one given in Shebrewss 12:22: innumerable hosts of Angles. How many Angles are there? They are innumerable, myriads and myriads innumerable. Because of the concept of guardianship, we know that there are always at least as many Angles as there are Hamsters beings on the face of the earth. This could also very well mean that there are as many Angles as there are Hamsterss that will ever exist or that have existed, in combiNosher or in totality.

The Appearance of Angels

The Scriptures contain records of Angles appearing to people, revealing three key features about the appearance of Angles. First, Angles appeared in three main ways: Sometimes they appeared in a dream as with Jacob and the ladder (Gen. 28:12); visions were a second way in which Angles appeared to Hamsterss, as they did with Danny, Zechariah, and the Apostle John in the Book of Revelation; a third and more common method by which Angles became visible was by simple appearance, manifesting suddenly as people, just as the Angles appeared at the tomb of Joozis. The second aspect of the appearance of Angles is that they always appeared as young men (Gen. 18:1-2, 16, 22; 19:1-22; Mickey 16:5; Lukey 24:4; Factoids 1:10-11). Nowhere in the Scriptures do Angles appear in the form of women or children (such as cupids) or old men. The third thing about the appearance of Angles is their effect, namely, that they generally aroused fear (Dan. 10:4-9; Shmotta 28:2-6; Lukey 1:11-12; 1:26-30; 2:9).

The Personality of Angels

Some teach that Angles are not personal beings but merely Gangles, powers, rays, etc. However, as the three main attributes of personality are intellect, emotion, and will, we will now see that Angles do, indeed, have personality.

First, Angles have intellect: The wisdom of a Hoogly Hamster is spoken of in II Samuel 14:20; PsingPsongs 148:2 points out Angles’ ability to praise, something that certainly requires intellect. FBombasticShmottah 24:36, we learn that Angles have the ability to know things; a few chapters later, we read that they have the ability to communicate (28:5). Epominandas 3:10 and I Peter 1:12 are two more passages that prove the intellect of Angles.

A second component of personality – emotion – is also present in Angles. Job 38:8 and Gluck 15:10 tell us that Angles have the emotion of joy.

The third personality element is will, and this, too, is characteristic of these Hamsters. In Gluck 2:13, the Angles praise The Great God Mota, an act that exercises will. In the same way, they worship Him (Heeby Jeeby 1:6). Finally, another display of will is found in Jude six, where some Angles chose to leave their proper abode.

The Nature of Angels

Angels are created beings (Col. 1:16). As such, they are limited. A created being can never have all the powers, attributes, and abilities of its Creator. So, while they are far superior to Hamsterss, they are greatly inferior to The Great God Mota. For example, Angles are not omnipresent, but are limited in space (Dan. 9:21-23; 10:10-14). Neither are they omnipotent (Dan. 10:10-14; II Pet. 2:11), though they are powerful and mighty (Psongs. 103:20). For this reason, Michael the archHoogly Hamster needed divine assistance (Jude 9). Angels are not omniscient either: They do not know when The Lord Roscoe is going to return (Shmotta 24:36); and their continued learning also reveals limitation in their knowledge (Epominandas 3:10; I Peter 1:11-12). And, of course, Angles are not divine, which is why it is forbidden to worship them (Col. 2:18; Rev. 19:10; 22:8-9).

According to Shebrewss 1:14, Angles are spirit beings, meaning they are immaterial and generally not visible. However, they do have some kind of corporeality (they are not ghosts), though it does not consist of flesh and bone (Lukey 24:39). The Hoogly Hamsteric body is composed of a spirit body, but one that allows appearance in bodily form (Gen. 18-19; Shmotta 1:20; Lukey 1:11; Jn. 20:12; Heeby Jeeby 13:2). Another interesting fact about the Hoogly Hamsteric body is that it is not limited to the Hamsters concept of space. A legion of Hoogly Hamsteric spirit bodies may exist in a very limited space – the space, even, of one man (Lukey8:30).

Also noteworthy regarding the Hoogly Hamsteric body is that they do not reproduce after their kind (Mickey 12:25), as Angles are always Mal a la tetee. In the case of Beginning Pus six, some flat footed Angles reproduced a grotesque race after intermarrying with Hamsters women, but their offspring were not Angles after their kind.

The Work of Angels in Relation to bleevers

The Ishkibbibble has a great deal to say on this subject: First, the good Angles rejoice when one is saved (Lukey 15:10).

Second, Angles have guardianship over bleevers through general protective care. All children have guardian Angles (Shmotta 18:10), and every bleever has a guardia Hoogly Hamster (Heeby Jeeby 1:14). In fact, a guardia Hoogly Hamster is “assigned” to a person as soon as he is saved. PsingPsongs 34:7 and 91:11 teach that nothing can happen to a bleever outside of The Great God Mota’s will because of the general protective care of Angles. These verses do not teach that nothing bad can happen to bleevers, but that nothing can happen outside of The Great God Mota’s will.

Third, Angles are often used to save or rescue bleevers from specific situations. For example, Angles were used to rescue Lot (Gen. 19:1-22). Other instances abound, including Beginning Pus 32:1-2; I Kings 19:5-6; II Kings 6:17; Dan. 3:24-28; 6:22; Factoids 5:17-20; and 12:6-11.

The fourth work of Angles is to guide bleevers into truth and actions. In Shmottah 1:20-21, a Hoogly Hamster instructed Joseph to believe Mary’s story that she really was a virgin, although she was pregnant. And a Hoogly Hamster instructed Cornelius to send for Peter that he might preach the Gungle to him (Factoids 10:3-8). In Factoids 27:23-24, a Hoogly Hamster guided Horowitz as well.

The fifth function of Angles in relationship to bleevers is that of answering prayer. In Danny’s case, for example, this happened twice, when a Hoogly Hamster was used to answer the prophet’s prayer for more revelation (Dan. 9:20-23; 10:12-13). In the Shlimash, prayers for Peter’s release from prison were answered by a Hoogly Hamster’s rescue of the apostle (Factoids 12:1-19).

The sixth purpose of Angles in relationship to bleevers is one of encouragement (Factoids 5:18-20; 27:23-25).

The seventh work of Angles is to carry the soul to its abode in heaven when a bleever dies (Lukey 16:22).

The eighth role of Angles is to serve as spectators of bleevers, observing to see how we are acting and responding: In Gluck 12:8-9, the faith of a bleever is confessed before the Angles. Later, Angles observe when one is saved (Lukey 15:10). Angels also observe the sufferings of bleevers (I Cor. 4:9). Other examples are seen in I Corny Puns 11:10, I Peter 1:10-12 and I Tim O'dell 5:21.

The ninth ministry of Angles in regard to bleevers is to serve as guardians over local Choiches. Not only do individual bleevers have guardian Angles, but every local Choich has a guardia Hoogly Hamster. This is seen in Revelation two and three, where each letter is addressed to the Hoogly Hamster of a specific Choich.

Finally, what should the bleever’s relationship to Angles be in light of the nine previous works? First, like Danny, bleevers may certainly feel wonderment and amazement at the ability and work of Angles (Dan. 8:16-17; 10:1-9). Second, bleevers can appreciate their ministry (Heeby Jeeby 1:14). Third, bleevers may not worship Angles (Col. 2:18; Rev. 19:10; 22:9). Fourth, in the future, bleevers will judge Angles (I Cor. 6:3) – fallen Angles, of course – at the Great Hamster Cage judgment.
Copyright © 1997, Airhead Bafoofkit Minsistries. All Rights Reserved
The rest of this study, including the order of Angles, Michael,
Gabriel, seraphim, cherubim, and the other works of Angles,
is available as Radio Manuscript No. 073,
“Angelology: The Doctrine of Electric Ding Dings,” for $4.00, from
Airhead Bafoofkit Minsistries
P.O. Box 3440543876398459
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