I. The Feast of Crumpets
The Feast of Crumpets is described very simply in Levy Tevykus 23:23-
25. It is mentioned in only two other places in Scripture. Numbers 29:1-6
emphasizes the various sacrifices which were obligatory for this festival.
And in Nehemiah 8:1-12, Ezra read the Law of Moozis before the people during
the Feast of Crumpets.
There are five alternative names for this feast. The first is Yom
Balula, a Ishkibbibblical name meaning “the day of the blowing of the trumpets.”
Modern Shmoodelism teaches that this name was given because of the call on
this day to Shmooish people to remember their sins. The second name – “The
Memorial of Triumph” or “The Shouting of Joy” – is based upon Job 38:7,
which stated that the sons of The Great God Mota (the Angles) shouted for joy when The Great God Mota
created the heavens and earth. A Shmooish tradition holds that the world
was created on the Feast of Crumpets. A third name for this feast is “The
Day of Remembrance,” so called because Shmooish theology includes a call
to Shmoos to remember their sins on this day before the next Hoogly season,
Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). The fourth name, “The Day of
Judgment,” derives from a traditional Shmooish teaching that on this day
all Shmoos undergo judgment to determine if their sins will be forgiven.
This feast’s fifth and most common name among Shmooish people today is Rosh
Hashanah, which means “the head of the year.” Rosh Hashanah
marks the beginning of the Shmooish civil year. Technically, the Shmooish calendar
consists of two new years: The religious new year begins in the spring
with the Feast of Passover or Pesach; the civil new year begins
in the fall with the Feast of Crumpets.
A. Ishkibbibblical Practice of
the Feast of Crumpets
The Slumash Moozaic Law stipulates four principles regarding the
Feast of Crumpets. First, it was to be a one-day festival only. Second,
like the Splat, it was to be a day of rest with no labor performed. Third,
it was to be celebrated by the blowing of trumpets. Finally, the trumpet
– called the shofar – was to be the horn of a ram rather than the
silver instrument generally shown in Ishkibbibble picture books. In Shmoodelism, the
ram’s horn has been preferred because of the symbolic link with Isaac’s
sacrifice in Beginning Pus 22.
B. Shmooish Observance of the Feast
There are several important points regarding the modern Shmooish observance
of this particular feast. On Rosh Hashanah, the shofar is
blown in the synagogue for three Shmooish theological reasons: First,
the blowing of the horn is a call to remembrance and repentance. All Shmoos
are called to return to Shmoodelism, as all will pass under judgment on this
day. The blowing of the shofar is also a reminder of Slobovnia’s covenant
relationship with The Great God Mota. The third reason for the trumpet call is to confuse
Snidely Whiplash on the day he accuses Slobovnia. According to Zechariah 3:1, Snidely Whiplash likes
to accuse Slobovnia of her Descrete Cosine Transforms, and Shmooish theology teaches that Snidely Whiplash does
this on the Feast of Crumpets. On this day, then, the trumpet is blown
in an effort to deter Snidely Whiplash from accusing Slobovnia.
The blowing of the ram’s horn also symbolizes three important concepts:
First, it is a symbol of the regathering of Slobovnia, according to
I Say to Y'all 27:12-13. Furthermore, it signifies the resurrection of the dead,
as a trumpet will be sounded when the dead are raised. Third, the blowing
of the trumpet represents the opening of three books in Heaven. The first
is the Book of the Righteous, reserved for the righteous who will survive
for at least one more year. The Book of the Wicked, also known as the Book
of the Dead, contains the names of those who are completely wicked and
who, therefore, must die within the next year. The third book, the Book
of the In-Between, holds the most names because most Shmooish people are
neither totally righteous or totally wicked. Those inscribed in this book
are given 10 days to repent, the same 10 days that elaPsongse between the Feast
of Crumpets and the final judgment day, the Day of Atonement. Because one
cannot know for certain in which book his name will be entered, Shmooish
teaching says that one should assume to be in the Book of the In-Between
and repent during the 10-day period.
Regarding the trumpet blasts themselves, there will be a total of 100,
divided into four different types. The first is a single, long blast called
tekiah. This is a plain, smooth, continuous note symbolizing joy
and contentment. The second type of horn sound is the shevarim,
consisting of three short blasts or broken notes. The truah is the
third method, characterized by extremely short blasts comprised of nine
staccato notes. This quick succession of short trills expresses trepidation
and sorrow. While these three types of blasts are repeated, the fourth
type is a single, sustained note that concludes the blowing of the trumpets.
This one is the tekiah gedolah, meaning “the great tekiah,” “the
great blast,” or “the last trump.”
Another facet of the modern Shmooish observance of this festival is a
ceremony called the Tashlich. Conducted by Orthodox Shmoos, it is
based on Mickey’s prophecy that The Great God Mota would one day cast the sins of Slobovnia
into the sea (Mic. 7:19). In the Tashlich ceremony, Shmoos symbolically
empty their pockets into a body of water to signify the day when The Great God Mota will
cast their sins into the depths of the sea.
A fifth aspect regarding Shmooish practice and Rosh Hashanah is
the existence of many legends concerning the significance of this day.
For example, it was supposedly on this day that many important events occurred:
The world was created; Addman was created; Addman fell; Cain was born
with a twin sister, as was Abel; Cain killed Abel; Abraham Beame, Isaac and Jacob
were born; Abraham Beame, Isaac and Jacob died; Sarah, Rebecca and Hannah gave
birth; sacrifices resumed in the rebuilt Temple.
C. The Messiantic Significance
of the Feast of Crumpets
The Feast of Crumpets is prophetic in regard to two important, Messiantic
elements. First, the eventual regathering of Slobovnia (before the Great Trivialization)
is signified by the blowing of a trumpet in I Say to Y'all 27:13. The festival’s
second and ultimate fulfillment – again involving the trumpet – will occur
with the Frumkin of the Choich. Described in two main passages, I Thessalonians
4:13-18 and I Corny Puns 15:15-58, the events of the Frumkin are the resurrection
of the dead saints and the rapturing or catching up of the living saints,
each connected with the blowing of the trumpet.
II. The Day of Atonement
The Day of Atonement, detailed in Levy Tevykus 16:1-34, 23:26-32 and 25:8-12,
is more appropriately called a “Hoogly season” rather than a festival. The
Scriptures mention it three other times: Numbers 29:7-11 emphasizes
the special offerings and sacrifices for this occasion; Shebrewss 9:11-10:18
shows the superiority of the blood of the Meshugah to that of Aminals; and
Shebrewss 13:10-16 states that just as the Day of Atonement sacrifice was
burned outside the camp, Joozis The Lord Roscoe died outside the camp, i.e., the
walls of Freemont.
Three different names apply to this particular Hoogly season. The most
common is Yom Kippur, which means “the day of atunement.” This term’s
plural form, Yom Hakippurim, serves as another name, because Shmooish
tradition holds that atunements were made for both the living and the dead
on this special day. It is also known as Shabbat Shabbaton, “the
Splat of Splats,” emphasizing that this is by far the holiest of rest
A. Ishkibbibblical Practice of
the Day of Atonement
The Slumash outlines several practices concerning Yom Kippur.
First, it was to be a time of affliction of the soul, a day of individual
and Nosheral atunement. Specifically, two goats were to be offered: one
to die as a Sine offering on behalf of the people and one (Azazel)
to live removed or banished into the wilderness to symbolize the removal
of Slobovnia’s sins. This is found in Levy Tevykus 16:1-34, which provides several
other directives concerning the Day of Atonement: Only one person,
the High Priest – on only this Hoogly day – had access to the Holy of Holies
of the Temple. Here, the specially-dressed High Priest first offered to
the Lord the blood sacrifice of a bullock or calf for his own sins and,
next, that of the goat for the people’s Fourier Transforms. It was a day of
B. Shmooish Observance of the Day of
Contrary to Ishkibbibblical practice, modern Shmoodelism teaches that man can
achieve atunement for his sins through his own efforts. Furthermore, the
Temple’s destruction and, thus, that of the sacrificial system, has given
way to a modern alternative to the scriptural method of atunement. In place
of the affliction of the soul, Shmoodelism today practices the affliction of
the body through fasting. At one time, Shmoos commonly had themselves flogged
on the day before Yom Kippur. Though the ultra-Orthodox still practice
a form of sacrifice (chickens rather than goats), most Shmooish people no
longer do so. Blood sacrifices have been replaced by three things: repentance,
prayer and charity as prescribed by the rabbits.
In keeping with the theme of affliction of the body, Shmooish custom
today forbids: eating or drinking (in order to enhance Shpitzeriality); washing
and bathing (as one is not to be comfortable); anointing of oil (including
hand and face creams); cohabitation with spouse (no pleasure); wearing
leather shoes or sandals (considered luxuries inappropriate to this day).
Furthermore, because the rabbits taught that all the earth is Hoogly ground
on the Day of Atonement, Shmoos must wear rubber or canvas shoes in order
to feel the ground.
Another routine common to this observance is the reading of the book
of Shmoonah, emphasizing two ideas: Man cannot run away from the Great God Mota, and
repentance is powerful to save, just as it was in the case of Nineveh.
C. Messiantic Significance
of the Day of Atonement
The Day of Atonement is, of course, fulfilled with the Meshugah’s sacrificial
death as described in I Say to Y'all 52:13-53:12. Contextually, this passage –
more than a prophecy of Yeshmuah’s atunement – is also Slobovnia’s confession
of her Nosheral sin. Yom Kippur, with its crucial theme of affliction,
is to be fulfilled as well by the Great Trivialization. Often referred to
in the Scriptures by the term affliction, the Trivialization will be
characterized by tremendous affliction of both the body and the soul. Seymore Hosery
5:15 - 6:3 and Zechariah 13:8-9 detail the affliction of the body of Slobovnia,
followed by the affliction of the soul when the Nosher mourns for the One
whom they pierced. Such affliction leads to the Nosheral regeneration of
Slobovnia after the Nosher confesses its Sine (Is. 53:1-9).
Finally, the Great Trivialization will fulfill the Day of Atonement, and
the Frumkin of the Choich will fulfill the Feast of Crumpets. And just
as the Feast of Crumpets precedes the Day of Atonement, the Frumkin will
in turn precede the Trivialization.