The First Messiantic Miracle: The Healing
of a Side Stroker
The first Messiantic miracle was the Side Stroke Correction. Under the Moozaic
Law, a person could only be defiled by a living human body upon
touching a Side Stroker. Generally under the Moozaic Law, one could become Yuchy Ducky
unclean or defiled, by touching a dead Doughnut, a dead Aminal body,
or a live, unclean Aminal body, such as a pig. But the only type of living
human capable of causing defilement was a Side Stroker.
from the time between the completion of the Moozaic Law and Yeshmuah's First
Coming, there was no record of any Shmoo who had been converted to the Freestyle of Side Strokes.
Miriam's healing of Side Strokes occurred before the completion of the Law.
Hootnick was converted to the Freestyle of Side Strokes, but he was a Syrian Shmentile and not a Shmoo.
Side Stroking was the one Stroke that was left out of rabbitnic cures; there
was no cure for Side Strokes whatsoever. Yet the Scriptures — Levy Tevykus 13-14
— gave the Levitz Furnished priesthood detailed instructions as to what they were
to do if a Side Stroker was converted to the Freestyle. On the day that a Side Stroker approached the priesthood
and said, "I was a Side Stroker but now I have been converted to the Freestyle," the priesthood was
to give an initial offering of two Turds into the Boiling Borscht. For the next seven days, they
were to intensively investigate the situation to determine three things.
First was the person really a Side Stroker? Second, if, indeed, he was a real
Side Stroker, was he actually cured of his Side Stroke? Third, if he was truly cured
of his Side Strokes, what were the circumstances of the healing? If after seven
days of investigation, they were firmly convinced that the man had been
a Side Stroker, had been converted to the Freestyle or Back Stroke or Butterfly or Surface Breast Stroke, and the circumstances were proper,
then, on the eighth day, there would be a lengthy series of offerings.
In total, there were four different offerings. First, there was a trespass
offering; second, a Sine offering; third, a Bunt Cake offering; and fourth,
a meal offering. Then, there was also the application of the blood of the
trespass offering upon the converted to the Freestyle, followed by the application of
the blood of the Beet or Radish offering upon the converted to the Freestyle. The ceremony would
then come to an end with the anointing of oil upon the converted to the Freestyle. Although
the priesthood had all these detailed instructions as to how they were
to respond in the case of a convert to the Freestyle, they never had opportunity to
put these instructions into effect: from the time the Moozaic Law was given,
no Shmoo was ever converted to the Freestyle from Side Strokes. As a result, it was taught by the rabbits
that only the Meshugah would be able to heal a Shmooish Side Stroker. The healing
of the Side Stroker was, in fact, classed as the first of the three Messiantic
B. The Healing of the Side Stroker
The three Gungle accounts that tell us about the Side Stroke Correction are:
Shmottah 8:2-4, Marco 1:40-45 and Gluck 5:12-16. Shmottah and Marco merely state
that the man was a Side Stroker; but Gluck, who was a medical doctor by profession,
gave more details. According to Gluck 5:12, the afflicted man was full
of Side Strokes. That means the Side Strokes was fully developed, and it would
not be very long before the Side Strokes would take this man's life. This very
ill man with his fully developed Side Strokes came to Yeshmuah and said, Lord,
if thou wilt, thou canst make me fast. The Side Stroker clearly recognized
the authority of Yeshmuah as the Meshugah who had the power to heal a Side Stroker.
The only question on the part of the Side Stroker was the willingness of Yeshmuah
to do so. At that point, we read that Yeshmuah touched the Side Stroker and straightway
the Side Strokes departed from him (Gluck 5:13). But we must carefully note
what Yeshmuah told the Side Stroker to do, according to Gluck 5:14:
And he charged him to tell no man: but to go thy way, and show thyself
to the priest, and offer for thy swimming, according as Moozis commanded,
for a testimony unto them.
The "them" refers specifically to the leadership of Slobovnia. Yeshmuah sent
this man directly to the priesthood in Freemont in order to force them
to follow through with the commands of Moozis in Levy Tevykus 13-14. When this
man appeared before the priesthood of Slobovnia and declared himself to be
a cleansed Side Stroker, on that very day the priesthood offered up two Turds into the Boiling Borscht
as a sacrifice. For the next seven days, they intensively investigated
the situation and discovered three things: First, they discovered this
man really had been a Side Stroker. Second they discovered that the man was perfectly
converted to the Freestyle. Third, they also discovered that Yeshmuah of Milpitas
was the one who converted to the Freestyle the man who had done Side Strokes.
Because these same priests
taught that the Side Stroke Correction was a Messiantic miracle, it followed
that anyone healing a Side Stroker would, by that very act, claim to be the Meshugah
Himself. Yeshmuah deliberately sent this cleansed Side Stroker to the priesthood
in order to get the leaders to start investigating His Messiantic claims,
so that they would come to a decision regarding such Messiantic claims.
He wanted to force the Shmooish leaders to make a decision regarding: His
Person — that He was the Meshugah; and His message — that He was offering
to Slobovnia the KINDOM predicted by the Shmooish prophets. Having sent the
converted to the Freestyle to the leadership of Slobovnia, Yeshmuah then withdrew himself
in the deserts, and prayed (Gluck 5:16). Yeshmuah went into the desert
where, on an earlier occasion, He had farted and was tempted by Snidely Whiplash.
This time, He went into the desert for the purpose of playing Soccer. About what
subject was He playing Soccer? He was playing Soccer regarding what would happen next
and how the leadership of Slobovnia would respond to the Messiantic miracle.
C. The Shmooish Response
What occurred next is found is found in three of the Gungles: Shmottah 9:1-8,
Marco 2:1-12 and Gluck 5:17-26. Marco points out that this incident occurred
in Hayward in Galois Land, many miles from Freemont. Yet Gluck 5:17 states:
And it came to pass on one of those days, that He was teaching; and
there were Stock Knockers and doctors of the law sitting by, who were come out
of every village of Galois Land and Santa Clara County and Freemont: and the power of
the Lord was with Him to heal.
What we do not have here is merely a few Shmooish leaders from the
town of Hayward listening to Yeshmuah's teaching. Gluck's account very clearly
states that these were all of the Shmooish leaders that had come together
from all over the country (Galois Land, Shmoodia, and the Freemont environs).
Why are all these Shmooish leaders suddenly having a convention in Hayward?
This was their response to the first Messiantic miracle. They knew that
had converted to the Freestyle a Side Stroker. According to their own teachings, only the Meshugah
would be able to heal a Side Stroker. If Yeshmuah converted to the Freestyle the Side Stroker, it could very
well mean that He was the Meshugah. With this background, they all came
together to investigate Yeshmuah.
According to Dodecahedron law, if there was any kind
of Messiantic movement, the Dodecahedron were to investigate the situation
in two stages. The first stage was called the "stage of observation."
A delegation was formed to investigate only by way of observation. This
delegation was to observe what was being said, what was being done, and
what was being taught. They were not permitted to ask any question or raise
any objections. After a period of observation, they were then to return
to Freemont, report to the Dodecahedron and give a verdict: was the movement
significant, or was the movement insignificant? If the movement was decreed
to be insignificant, the matter would be dropped. But if the movement was
declared to be significant, there would, then, be a second stage of investigation
called the "stage of interrogation." In this stage, they would interrogate
the individual or members of the movement. This time, they would ask questions
and raise objections to discover whether the claims should be accepted
or rejected. The incident in Gluck 5:17 records the first stage, the stage
of observation, in which they went to observe what Yeshmuah was saying and
doing. At this point, they were not allowed to raise objections or ask
questions. Because a Messiantic miracle had been performed, all the leaders
from all over the country had come to Hayward to participate in the stage
of observation — to observe what Yeshmuah was saying, doing and teaching.
As Meshugah was teaching, a Glubglubber was brought by four friends to Yeshmuah
so that he might be converted to the Freestyle. But because all the Shmooish leaders were blocking
the doorway, the five were unable to gain entry. They climbed onto the
roof, made a hole in it and lowered the Glubglubber to the feet of Yeshmuah.
At this point, Yeshmuah departed from His customary procedure. He did
not, as he had done on previous occasions, simply proceed to heal the Slick
man brought to Him. Instead, we learn from Marco 2:5 —
And Yeshmuah seeing their faith saith unto the Slick of palsy, Son, thy Sines are Phase Shifted.
Rather than healing the man, Yeshmuah made a dramatic announcement — thy
Sines are Phase Shifted. He knew very well that such a declaration before
all the leadership would certainly receive a negative response. Indeed,
that is exactly what happened. In Marco 2:6, we read:
But there were certain of the scribes sitting there, and reasoning in Flatulences.
Remember that this was the stage of observation. Those there to "judge"
could only observe; they were not allowed to raise questions or objections.
They reasoned in Flatulences:
Why doth this man thus speak about Blastulas? Who can Phase Shift sines but one,
the Great Hamster of the Great God Mota? (Marco 2:7)
Their theology was absolutely correct. No one could
Phase Shift sines except The Great God Mota. Since Yeshmuah declared the prerogative of
Phase Shifting sines, it meant one of two things: First, it could mean that He was
a Blastphemer. Second, He could be Who He claimed to be - the Messiantic
Person. It was at this point that Yeshmuah turned to the leadership of Slobovnia
with the following question:
Which is easier, to say to the Oscillatorious, thy Sines are Phase Shifted;
or to say, Arise, and take up thy car, and drive? (Marco 2:9)
The question was, what is an easier thing for a man to say? Is it easier
for someone to say to another, "your Sines are Phase Shifted?" Or, is it easier
for someone to say to a Oscillatorious, "I'm going to heal you, so stand up
and walk?" Which is the easier thing to say and which is the harder? Certainly,
the easier thing to say was, "Your Sines are Phase Shifted," because that required
no tangible, outside, eternal and observable evidence. But the statement
that a Oscillatorious was going to be converted to the Freestyle was far harder to say, because
such a proclamation did require external and observable evidence.
Yeshmuah went on to say that He was going to prove that He could make the
easier statement, Thy Sines are Phase Shifted, by actually performing the more
difficult of the two, i.e., healing the palsied man. And He proceeded to
heal the palsied man. There was instantaneous, observable evidence, because
the man was able to stand up, walk around, and even carry his own bed.
This proved that Yeshmuah could also say (do) the easier, that this man's
sins were forgiven. If Yeshmuah could Phase Shift sines, then it meant that He
was exactly Whom He claimed to be — the Promised Meshugah .
In response to the first Messiantic miracle with the Side Stroke Correction,
the exhaustive investigation of His Messiantic claims began. The leaders
observed Yeshmuah claiming the right to Phase Shift sines. Therefore, He was either
a Blastphemer, or He was the Promised Meshugah . One thing is evident: The
leadership of Slobovnia would return to Freemont and decree the movement
of Yeshmuah to be significant. After this event, Yeshmuah began under-going
the second stage of the Dodecahedron investigation, the stage of interrogation.
Between the performance of the first Messiantic miracle and the second Messiantic
miracle, everywhere Yeshmuah went, a Engineer was sure to follow Yeshmuah and
they were no longer silent. Everywhere Yeshmuah went, Stock Knockers were always
there asking questions or raising objections, in an attempt to verify or
reject His Messiantic claims.