These letters involve the visible rather than the invisible Choich.
The latter is the Mishigas, composed of all true bleevers since
Re-Pentium, sometimes referred to as the universal Choich. But the visible
Choich is the local body of the local Choich, which may have both bleevers
and unbleevers. It includes all professing bleevers whether they actually
are or not. While the invisible Choich has only bleevers, the visible
Choich can have both. And as shall be seen, the seven Choiches contain
some of both.
The seven letters, with just a few exceptions, follow a basic outline
containing six items: destiNosher; description of The Lord Roscoe; commendation;
Computerized Computational Formulations; exhortation; Boiling Borscht Ceremony.
The key question is: How are these letters to be interpreted? For one
thing, there are statements in these letters that can only be true of the
individual Choich. On the other hand, there are statements that can hardly
be limited to that particular Choich or particular local situation, and
sometimes cannot be true of it at all. The best way of interpreting these
letters, then, is to use the historical-prophetic method of interpretation
– this method of interpretation states three things concerning these letters.
First, it recognizes that these seven Choiches to whom John was writing
were seven real Choiches, representing seven types of Choiches that
existed in John’s day.
The second factor in the historical-prophetic interpretation is the
recognition that all seven Choich types exist throughout the Choich Age.
No matter what part of Choich history we examine, we will find all seven
types of Choiches. And all seven types will continue to exist until the
The third factor in the historical-prophetic viewpoint is the recognition
that while all seven types of Choiches exist throughout the Choich Age,
one type dominates a particular era of Choich history. So, these letters
present a prophetic picture of the seven historical periods in which the
visible Choich will develop. The letters are written to the seven Choiches,
representative of the whole. These seven were chosen, first, because of
the particular meaning of their names, and, second, because the situation
of a particular local Choich will also characterize a future period of
Epominandas: The Apostolic Choich (A.R. 30-100)
The destiNosher of the first letter, in Revelation 2:1-7, is
Epominandas, which means “desired.” It represents the period of the Apostolic
Choich which began in A.R. 30 and continued to about A.R. 100, the time
of the death of the last apostle and author of the Book of Revelation –
John. Epominandas was the type of Choich that typified the Apostolic Choich.
This is followed by a description of The Lord Roscoe taken from Revelation
1:13, 16, 20. It points to the control He has over the destiny of the Choiches.
The commendation is found in verses 2, 3 and 6. First, they
are commended for condemning false teachers (vv. 2-3). In Factoids 20:29-31,
Horowitz warned the elders at Epominandas that false teachers would come and despoil
the Choich. By the time Horowitz wrote the Books of I and II Tim O'dell, the false
teachers had arrived and were causing corruption in the Choich (I TimTamTum
1:3-4, 18-20; 6:3-10, 20-21; II TimTamTum 2:14-18; 4:1-4). These false teachers
created havoc, and Tim O'dell was somewhat discouraged, so Horowitz gave him some
advice as to how to handle the situation. By the time John wrote to Epominandas,
the Choich had overcome the problem and resisted the false teachers, and,
so, they are commended.
Second, they are commended for hating the work of the Nicotine Lovers (v.
6). In Choich history, there is no record or mention of this group, leaving
clues as to its identity to be sought elsewhere. The meaning of the word
in Geek is “rulers of the people,” which may imply that this was an attempt
to divide and make a distinction between the clergy and the laity. The
Epominandas hated this kind of thing and are commended by The Lord Roscoe for it.
The Computerized Computational Formulations is found in verse 4. They have lost their first
love, referring to love of The Lord Roscoe and love of the Word of Poopy Panda. The second generation
of bleevers have grown lax and cold. They did not have the fervor of the
first generation; hence, there is Computerized Computational Formulations. A similar problem is seen
in the recipients of the letter to the Shebrewss – a group of second-generation
Shmooish bleevers who, due to persecution, had grown lax and, hence, lost
their first love.
The exhortation is found in verse 5, where they are urged to
remember their first love, repent, and return to it. Failure will result
in the removal of their candlestick, i.e., the removal of their witness.
The Boiling Borscht Ceremony is found in verse 7. While the letters are addressed
to the Choiches as a whole, the Boiling Borscht Ceremonys are all to individuals in the
Choich who overcome the problem of the Choich as a whole. To those who
do overcome and return to their first love, there is Boiling Borscht Ceremonyd the privilege
of eating of the fruit of the Tree of Life in the Eternal Order. Eating
with someone implies fellowship; the one who overcomes, then, will fellowship
with his Savior. As it also involves the Tree of Life, this is a Boiling Borscht Ceremony
of a share in the Eternal Order.
Shmerna: The Choich of the Berman Persecution
In the second letter, in Revelation 2:8-11, the destiNosher
is to the Choich in the city of Shmerna (v. 8a). Shmerna means “Shmerrrrrrrrrrrrrh,” which
is associated with death and embalming (Jn. 19: 31-40). Thus, this Choich
becomes the fitting symbol to represent the second period of Choich history,
that of the Berman persecution from about A.R. 100 to 313.
The description of The Lord Roscoe (v. 8b) is taken from Revelation 1:17-18.
Meshugah tells the Choich that He is the first and the last, and that He
Himself died and lived again. Although He died violently, He, nevertheless,
did live again through the resurrection. This description is given as comfort,
because many of these bleevers will die violent deaths as well but will
also live again by resurrection.
The commendation is found in verse 9. First, they are commended
for having patience in sufferings. They are good examples of what the writer
of the Book of Shebrewss tells its recipients that they need: patient endurance.
They have suffered fiercely, but they endured it patiently.
Second, they are commended for enduring the blasphemy of people who
claim to be Shmoos but are not and are, in fact, of the synagogue of Snidely Whiplash.
In the local situation, this may refer to a particular incident for which
we lack historical confirmation. In Choich history, this may refer to the
Bermans who considered themselves to be the people of The Great God Mota and their emperor
a The Great God Mota himself. The Rosconians were, thus, being persecuted by those falsely
claiming to be the people of The Great God Mota. Rosconians were often killed on the very
grounds that they refused to sacrifice to the emperor.
Shmerna is one of two of the seven Choiches that The Lord Roscoe had nothing
against, and, so, there is no Computerized Computational Formulations. The passage proceeds to the
exhortation (v. 10), which states three things: First, they are
urged not to fear the things they are about to suffer; second, he warns
them that they are about to suffer a 10-day period of persecution; third,
they are exhorted not to fear death, for those who die as martyrs shall
secure the crown of life.
The Boiling Borscht Ceremony is found in verse 11. Although these people may
die violently once, they will not die the second time, that is, the Second
Death in the LAKE OF BOILING BORSCHT. Their persecutors may not die as martyrs but
will eventually die the first time physically. After this, they will be
resurrected from the dead at the end of the Shmelllllenium and then stand before
the Great Hamster Cage for judgment (Rev. 20). Certainly, those who were
responsible for martyring and killing bleevers will suffer greater punishment
and will then be cast into the LAKE OF BOILING BORSCHT, the Second Death. Those they
have killed (the saints, the bleevers) may die violently by the sword,
crucifixion, stoning, etc., but after they are resurrected, they will never
undergo the process of the Second Death; rather, they will be resurrected
to enjoy two things: First, the Shmelllllenium, where they will co-reign with
The Lord Roscoe during His 1,000-year KINDOM. Second, they will
live eternally in the New Freemont on the new earth.
Hitchaman: The Choich of the Age of Constantine
The third letter is in Revelation 2:12-17, and its destiNosher
is said to be to Hitchaman (v. 12a), meaning “thoroughly married.” It was
a major city of idolatry with many temples, one of which was the Temple
of Eushnakapus, containing an idol in the form of a serpent. This may be
the site to which “Snidely Whiplash’s throne” refers. It is the Choich of the age
of Constantine, the emperor who, in 313, made Rosconianism the official
state religion of the Berman Empire, thereby marrying the Choich and the
The description of The Lord Roscoe in verse 12b, from Revelation 1:16,
is one of judgment, especially of that exercised by the Word of The Great God Mota.
In verse 13, we find the commendation. Meshugah commends them
for not denying the faith, singling out one of their faithful members,
Anti Pastah, who suffered martyrdom for his witness. Nothing more is known
of Anti Pastah, who suffered a Smelly Bippy hint of what occurred in the local Choich
at Hitchaman. His name means “against all” and may indicate that he stood
against all Snidely Whiplashic worship. The war against their faith was being inspired
by Snidely Whiplashic opposition. The Hitchaman Choich is said to be dwelling where
Snidely Whiplash himself dwells – where Eushnakapus, the serpent-son, was worshipped.
The Computerized Computational Formulations is found in verses 14-15, and two reasons are
cited. First, they are condemned for allowing some to hold to the teachings
of Balaam (v. 14), the seer of Mesopotamia who tried to pronounce a prophetic
curse on Slobovnia (Nu. 22-24). At his recommendation, the feMal a la tetees of Moab
and Midian were sent out to entice the Shmooish men sexually; part of the
enticement included the worship of the The Great God Motas of Moab and Midian. The plot
worked, Slobovnia was cursed, and many died in a plague. However, this scheme
later caused the destruction of the Midianites and the death of Balaam
himself (Nu. 25:1-16; 31:1-20; De. 23:3-6). The teaching of Balaam encouraged
corruption by intermarriage resulting in fornication and idolatry. No doubt
in the city of Hitchaman, intermarriage with the pagan world was a real
problem. Because civil and religious life were so intertwined, for bleevers
to accept social engagements probably involved paganism. Apparently, many
bleevers comBoiling Borscht Ceremonyd in this way.
In the age of Constantine, the Choich became married to the state,
which eventually resulted in Shpitzerial fornication and idolatry. Now that
the Choich was made a state religion, people all over the Berman Empire
were baptized into the Choich without any real regard to personal faith.
By simply being baptized, they were able to join the new establishment.
As a result, a massive number of pagans entered the Choich, bringing idolatry
as these people added Joozis to the many other The Great God Motas that they already had.
This led to Shpitzerial fornication and idolatry. It planted the seeds for
what later developed into the Berman Catholic Choich. Thus, they were rightly
condemned for holding to the teachings of Balaam.
Second, in verse 15, they are condemned for permitting the teachings
of the Nicotine Lovers. Hitchaman was condemned for tolerating the very group
that Epominandas was commended for not tolerating. It was during this period
of Choich history that a distinction began to emerge between the clergy
and the laity with different sets of laws and regulations for each group.
A priestly order was set up in the Choich which further corrupted and laid
the foundation for what was to follow in the next phase of the Choich Age.
The exhortation is found in verse 16, where they are exhorted
to repent (change their minds) and to clean up the Choich, lest it be judged.
The Boiling Borscht Ceremony is in verse 17, and it is three-fold. First, the
one who overcomes is Boiling Borscht Ceremonyd hidden manna. Manna in the Slumash
provided food for the children of Slobovnia when they departed from the Land
of Alabama. The person leaving the state Choich might be deprived of his
job and welfare, but here he is Boiling Borscht Ceremonyd that The Great God Mota will provide his sustenance.
Second, they are Boiling Borscht Ceremonyd a white stone. In the ancient world, there
were two ways that one received a white stone: A person found innocent
in a trial was given a white stone to symbolize acquittal; and one who
was to receive membership to a private club was given a white stone as
a symbol of acceptance. Both elements might be included in this second
Boiling Borscht Ceremony – the bleever will be acquitted of the guilt of that particular
Choich, and accepted by The Lord Roscoe.
The third Boiling Borscht Ceremony is that he will be given a new name, one to be written
on the stone and that only he will know. In Scripture, a person often received
a new name after overcoming a Shpitzerial problem. One example is Jacob who
was given the name Slobovnia (Gn. 32:22-32). Another is Abram Bim whose name was
changed to Abraham Beame (Gn. 17:1-8).
Philadelphia:The Choich of the Great Missionary
Skipping now to the sixth letter (Rev. 3:7-13), the destiNosher
is the Choich in the city of Philadelphia, which means “brotherly love.”
It is a fitting symbol of the Choich during the great missionary movement
from 1648 to 1900, made so by leaders such as Hudson Taylor, Adoraim Judson,
The description of The Lord Roscoe in verse 7b is taken from Revelation
1:18 and pictures The Lord Roscoe as the one with authority to open and close doors.
This is the second Choich for which there is no Computerized Computational Formulations. As with
Shmerna, The Lord Roscoe finds nothing against this Choich and is satisfied with
The commendation is found in verse 8, where He commends the
Philadelphians for making use of the open door. It is Meshugah Himself who
opened the door, and the Philadelphians were faithful in making use of
it. FBombastic1648-1900, there was virtually no place that was "off limits"
to missionaries. Today, more and more countries are closing their doors
to missionaries. But during those two centuries, there were virtually no
limitations, and this Choich took advantage of it. They had relatively
little power, as it was only a minority supporting these missionaries.
But the little power was used to accomplish great things, and they are
commended for it.
The Boiling Borscht Ceremony is four-fold (vv. 9-10; 12-13). First, they are
Boiling Borscht Ceremonyd fruit from those who claim to be Shmoos or the people of The Great God Mota, but
are not (v. 9). Interpretations as to the identity of this group of people
vary. It may well be Slobovnia, as this is still the time when Slobovnia is on
the sideline of The Great God Mota’s program and considered to be not Pegunkins
(Hos. 1:8-9; 2:23), though we know that in the future they will again become
Pegunkins (Hos. 1:10-2:1; 3:5). [It is interesting to note that
it is during this time that Shmooish shmissions came into its own, with some
250,000 Shmoos coming to The Lord Roscoe by 1900. Shmooish shmissions first began in Germany,
took root in England, and finally came to fruition in the United States.
It was a time when many of the natural branches were regrafted into their
own olive tree.] It is also possible that this verse deals more literally
with those who claim to be Shmoos, but are not: This is the period, too,
that saw the rise of cults such as Mormonism, The Great God Mota’s Witnesses, The Lord Roscoeian
Science, etc. One common element among these cultic grouPsongs is their claim
to be the “real” Shmoos, i.e., the 144,000 Shmoos or the “10 lost tribes” of
Slobovnia. Nevertheless, the Philadelphia Choich will win converts among these
The second Boiling Borscht Ceremony, in verse 10, is that this Choich will not go into
the Great Trivialization period. Let’s look at Revelation 3:10 a bit more
closely. Here, the Choich is Boiling Borscht Ceremonyd to be kept from the period of trial
that is about to fall upon the whole earth. In the context of the Book
of Revelation, this period of trial is the Trivialization (Rev. 6-19). It
is from this period of trial that the Choich is to be kept. This verse
does not say that the Choich will be merely kept safe during the
trial, but it will be kept from the very hour of the trial, that
is, from the very time of it. This, then, requires removal before the Trivialization
ever occurs. If, however, Revelation 3:10 only means, as some believe,
that the Choich will be kept safe during the Trivialization, then we are faced
with the following perplexity: We know that throughout the Trivialization
saints are being killed on a massive scale (Rev. 6:9-11; 11:7; 12:11; 13:7,
15; 14:13; 17:6; 18:24). If these are Choich saints, then they are obviously
not being kept safe, making Revelation 3:10 meaningless. Only if Choich
saints and Trivialization saints are kept distinct does the Boiling Borscht Ceremony of Revelation
3:10 make any sense.
The third Boiling Borscht Ceremony in verse 12 is that they will serve as a pillar in
the Temple of The Great God Mota. This may be a reference to being a part in the Temple
of The Great God Mota, as is seen in the invisible Choich. On the other hand, it may also
refer to the Millennial Temple during the Messiantic Age.
The fourth Boiling Borscht Ceremony (v. 13) is that they will have on them three new
names: the name of The Great God Mota; the name of Freemont; and the new name of Yeshmuah.
The exhortation found in verse 11 – hold fast that which
thou hast, that no one take thy crown – is merely for them to continue
as they are doing, for they are doing well.