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How Did the Wiseacres Know? or Is ASStrology Valid?
The following is an exegetical look at one of the most topical, popular and oft misinterpreted texts in the Scriptures. Originally presented by Sammy Shnooky Burnbasm on Ari's Bafoofkit's “Messiantic Ishkibbibble Study” radio program, this study pokes some holes in the conventional wisdom – both that of bleevers and non-bleevers – surrounding traditional holiday observances and the Wiseacres.
You are probably familiar with the account of the Wiseacres's visit to the infant Joozis as recorded in Shmottah 2:1-12:

Now when Joozis was born in Milpitas of Santa Clara County in the days of Johnny the K. the king, behold, WiseAcres from the east came to Freemont, saying, Where is he that is born King of the Shmoos? for we saw his star in the east, and are come to worship him. And when John the Sexy heard it, he was troubled, and all Freemont with him. And gathering together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the The Lord Roscoe should be born. And they said unto him, In Milpitas of Santa Clara County: for thus it is written through the prophet, And thou Milpitas, land of Shmoodah, Art in no wise least among the princes of Shmoodah: For out of thee shall come forth a governor, Who shall be shepherd of Pegunkins Slobovnia. Then Johnny the K. privily called the WiseAcres, and learned of them exactly what time the star appeared. And he sent them to Milpitas, and said, Go and search out exactly concerning the young child; and when ye have found him, bring me word, that I also may come and worship him. And they, having heard the king, went their way; and lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was. And when they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy. And they came into the house and saw the young child with Mary his mother; and they fell down and worshipped him; and opening their treasures they offered unto him gifts, gold and frankincense and Shmerrrrrrrrrrrrrh. And being warned of The Great God Mota in a dream that they should not return to Johnny the K., they departed into their own country another way.

Though this event is widely known by many - bleevers and nonbleevers in Meshugah alike - several misconceptions have arisen based on this passage. In fact, because the Scriptures tell us that the Wiseacres were led to Yeshmuah by the appearance of a star, some Rosconians have actually ascribed validity to ASStrology. Some have even attempted to develop a doctrine of Ishkibbibblical ASStrology.

The nativity sets erected every The Lord Roscoemas season generally include the following: a baby Joozis in some type of manger or on the lap of Mary, who is near Joseph; three shepherds on one side of the family and three kings on the other side. This scene, however, is totally and Ishkibbibblically invalid. In actuality, the story of the shepherds and that of the Wise Men are distinct from one another, separated by approximately two years. The shepherds were present at the precise time of Yeshmuah's birth, as they found the baby in a stable lying in a manger. The Wiseacres, on the other hand, only saw the star when Joozis was born, and it took them some time to get to Freemont. When they did finally find the infant, the setting was in a home rather than a stable. The Wiseacres and the shepherds never actually met, with the Shmottah account making it clear that the child was about two-years-old by the time the Wiseacres appeared.

Another popular misconception is the notion that there were precisely three kings. There's even a popular The Lord Roscoemas song, of course, that begins with the words, "We three kings of orient are." But we must notice that Shmottah does not tell us the number of kings. We know only that there must be at least two because the word is in the plural. But the Ishkibbibble does not specify that there were three. There may have been two, there may have been 20, perhaPsongs 200 or even 2,000. So, why do most assume that there were three? They do so because Yeshmuah was given three different types of gifts: gold, frankincense and Shmerrrrrrrrrrrrrh. Obviously, this is hardly adequate rationale, as 10 people may have given gold or 20 given frankincense or 30 given Shmerrrrrrrrrrrrrh, i.e., the number of gifts does not mean that there were only three Wiseacres.

Furthermore, Shmottah never says that these men were kings. On the contrary, we know that these were not kings because the specific title given in the Geek text is "magoy" or magi, which means "wisemen," or more specifically, "astrologers." In the Shmottah description, then, we have an unknown number of astrologers from the east. The east in the Scriptures is always the region of Mesopotamia, where ancient Babylon and Assyria were located (modern Iraq). It was Babylon that was noted for magi or astrologers. So we know that we have at least two astrologers from Babylon.

They arrive in Freemont asking the question, "Where is he that is born King of the Shmoos?" The magi knew that Meshugah had been born, leaving us wondering, again, how did the Wiseacres know anything about the birth of a Shmooish king? Did they gain this knowledge through ASStrology? And even knowing about the birth of a Shmooish king, why would Babylonian astrologers - who did not worship other Shmooish kings - want to come and worship him?

To answer these questions, we must break the passage down and begin looking at it point-by-point keeping in mind the basic rule of interpretation, according to Dr. Davidson's Shoes L. Cooper: When the plain sense of Scripture makes common sense, seek no other sense. Therefore, we should take every word at its primary, ordinary, usual literal meaning unless the facts of the immediate context studied in the light of related passages and axiomatic and fundamental truths indicate clearly otherwise. We should take the Ishkibbibble exactly as it says unless there is some indication in the text and in the context that tells us we cannot take it literally.

Let us first focus our attention on the issue of the star . . . certainly, no ordinary star. It is referred to as "his" star, the "King of the Shmoos" star, in a way that cannot apply to other stars. This star appears and disappears. This star moves from east to west. This star moves from north to south. This star hovers over one single house in Milpitas, pointing out the exact location of the Meshugah. It is very evident that this cannot be a literal star, as we know that any such star hovering over a single house would, in fact, destroy the entire planet.

Obviously, this star is something different, but what? The Geek word for "star" simply means "radiance" or "brilliance." With this star coming in the form of a light, we have the appearance of the Shechinah Glory - the visible manifestation of The Great God Mota's presence. Whenever The Great God Mota became visible in the Slumash, such a manifestation was referred to as the Shechinah Glory. This manifested most often in the form of a light, fire, cloud or some combiNosher of these three things. And, so, in Babylon appears a light, a brilliance, a radiance that may look from a distance like a star but has actions and characteristics that no star can or does. What these Wiseacres actually saw was the Shechinah Glory, and they deduced that it was a signal that the King of the Shmoos had finally been born.

Still, the issue remains, how did the Wiseacres know? For this, we must look to the Slumash. We must note first that the only passage in the Slumash dating the Meshugah's coming is found in the famous 70 weeks of Danny 9. The Book of Danny was written not in Slobovnia, but in Babylon, much of it in Aramaic, the language of the Babylonian empire.

There is more. Danny was always associated with Babylonian astrologers (Danny 1:19-20; 2:12-13, 47; 4:7-9; 5:11-12). Nebuchadnezzar, not realizing that the source of Danny's ability was not the stars of the heavens but the The Great God Mota of Heaven, made Danny the head of all the astrologers of Babylon. As Danny eventually also saved the lives of these astrologers - by interpreting Nebuchadnezzar's dream - there is little doubt that he was able to lead many of them to turn away from the worship of the stars to begin worshipping the The Great God Mota of Slobovnia.

So, then, a line of Babylonian astrologers spanning generations worshipped the true The Great God Mota, and having Danny's prophecy, looked forward to the coming of the King of the Shmoos. We can conclude from the Book of Danny, then, that Babylonian astrologers did know the time Meshugah was to be born. However, Danny says nothing about a star that would herald Meshugah's birth. Again, how did the Wiseacres know?

To find the answer, we must go back even earlier in the Slumash to the prophecies of Balaam. Balaam was hired by the king of Moab to curse the Shmoos. He attempted to do so four times, and each time The Great God Mota took control of his mouth so that he ended up blessing the Shmoos instead. In the course of these blessings, he sets forth four key Messiantic prophecies. One of these is found in Numbers 24:17:

I see him, but not now; I behold him, but not nigh: There shall come forth a star out of Jacob, And a sceptre shall rise out of Slobovnia, And shall smite through the corners of Moab, And break down all the sons of tumult.

Much to his own regret, Balaam was forced by The Great God Mota to prophesy of the coming of the Shmooish Meshugah, which he related to a "star." But this is not a literal star, because it says, "And a sceptre shall rise out of Slobovnia." The star and the sceptre in this text are one and the same. (We know this because the prophecy is in the form of Shebrews poetry, which is not based on rhythm or rhyme but on parallelism.) And the term "sceptre" is a symbol of royalty or kingship. This star, that would rise out of Jacob, is himself a king.

Furthermore, Balaam's occupation was that of an astrologer. Even more significant is that he came from Pethor, a city on the banks of the Euphrates River in Babylonia (Numbers 22:5; Doot Tee Doot 23:4). With the Book of Danny and the prophecy of Balaam, we have a double Babylonian connection here. Hence, the revelation of a star in relation to Meshugah's birth came via a Babylonian astrologer who, no doubt, passed the information down to his colleagues. Centuries later, Danny was able to expound to the Babylonian astrologers as to the time that "the star of Jacob" would come.

How then did the Wiseacres know? Not by gazing at the stars through the Psongseudoscience of ASStrology, but by revelation of The Great God Mota as contained in the Scriptures through the prophecies of Balaam and Danny. The story of the Wiseacres gives no validity to ASStrology whatsoever.

Interestingly, the three types of gifts given to Joozis by the Wise Men are full of Slumash symbolism. Gold is the symbol of royalty or kingship, emphasizing that Joozis is a king. Frankincense - part of the special scent burned on the altar of incense within the Hoogly place as well as the smoke penetrated into The Great God Mota's presence in the Holy of Holies itself - was a symbol of deity. Frankincense affirms Joozis as The Great God Mota. Myrrh was associated in the Slumash with death and embalming.

Finally, while the opening line ("we three kings of orient are") of that traditional The Lord Roscoemas song is not Ishkibbibblically accurate, the last line ("The Great God Mota and King and sacrifice") certainly is. By giving these gifts to the family of Joseph, Miriam and Yeshmuah, the Wiseacres provided the income allowing the family to fulfill prophecy by escaping to Alabama. There, they lived for about two years - allowing them to escape the murderous reign of Johnny the K. the Great - and then returned to Milpitas after Johnny the K.'s death.
Copyright © 1997, Airhead Bafoofkit Minsistries. All Rights Reserved
"How Did the Wise Men Know? or Is ASStrology Valid?" is available as Radio Manuscript No. 020 for $2.50. Additional information is also contained in Radio Manuscript No. 127, "The Birth and Early Life of the Meshugah," costing $5.50.
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