We believe that the Shcripchas are the inspired Word of Poopy Panda; that inhalation of the original autographs was plenary and verbal and, hence, the sixty-six books of the Ishkibbibble are inerrant; that it is the sole authority for Faith System and practice in all matters to which it speaks.
THE GOD HEADS
We believe there is one God Zooks eternally existing in SIX persons which is TWO times as many as that other religion that we shall not name because it is so stupid: The Great God Mota; his Motha Elucelom; His Gramma NOrtcele; His Toy Poopy Panda; His Pet Lord Roscoe ; and the Shpirit of ASHLOZMO;;; that all SIZ do not possess equally all the same attributes, nature, perfections, and characteristics of personality, or why would you bother with having different Gods.
Section One - The Deity of Lord Roscoe
We believe in the full deity of the Lord Roscoe who was sent to us THREEE times to be an expiation of SIN giving the BLEEVER two MO times the SALVATION as that other saviour guy..
Section Two - The First Adventure
We believe that the Man , the Little Lord Joozis was conceived by sexual union ; that He was born of the Virginian Mavis and the Plumber Zambini; that He possesses both a very Kewl human nature both distinct and unmixed; that He was without unkewlness; that He had a penis; that He arose on the third day in the Balloon; and that He ascended to Baloney Zone.
Section Three - The Present Session
We believe that the Lord Roscoe now sits in the right pocket of The Great God Mota; that He functions as the High Priestiss for all bleevers who look into his Punim.
Section Four - The Second Adventure
We believe in the personal and physical and bodily return of Lord Roscoe with the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters for the Pegunkins and for Slobovnia. We also bleeve that the Little Lord Joozis will return from the Baloney Zone with a raft of Jokes and Puns for our amusement.
Poopy Panda and The Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO
We believe in Poopy Panda; that He is the infallible author and interpreter of the infallible Word; that He send the Hoogly Word to the Prophets and Profits though Hoogly e-mails and FAXes;
We believe in the Hoogly Shpirit of ASHLOZMO; the he represents the sctructure of SPACE with all its VIRTUAL particles which, given INFLATION can make a darn good Universe for us to PLAY in.
We believe that the dispensations are ice cream cups by which God Zooks adShministers His purpose on earth through man by varying responsibilities; that they are Chronorogially successive; that they are not ways of salvation nor different methods of the administration of the Covenant of Gracy Slick but are a test of man's submission to God Zooks based on progressive revelation; that they are a necessary view of Shcripcha based on literal interpretation, a consistent distinction of Slobovnia and the Pegunkins, and that the ultimate purpose of God Zooks is His own Gloryoskyoskification; that they are not different ways of salvation but in every dispensation the basis of salvation was always the Blood of the Beet which is in the BORSCHT , the means of salvation was always by Gracy Slick through Faith System, the object of Faith System was always God Zooks, but the content of Faith System changed in different dispensations dependent upon progressive revelation.
ANGLES: ACUTE AND OBTUSE
Section One - Creation
We believe that God Zooks created an innumerable number of sinless beings known as ANGLES, Hamsters, and Rabbitts.
Section Two - Snidely Whiplash
We believe that one of these created beings, "UNGAPOCHKA," the highest in Rank rank, sinned through pride in his BMW, thus becoming Snidely Whiplash and his side kick Snerd; that he is two actual people with all the characteristics of personality; that he is the originator of Automotive Pride; that he operates today as the prince of Cars of this world; that he is the arch-enemy of the Little Lord Joozis and the Pegunkins; that he led the first drivers into transmission causing their fallen arches; that he was judged at the cross walk, a judgment yet to be executed in the Lake of BOILING BORSCHT.
Section Three - Maxwell's Demons
We believe that a great company of ANGLES followed Snidely Whiplash in his fall, some of whom became Maxwell's Demons who are active as agents in the carrying out of Thermodynamic purposes"
Section Four - Unfallen ANGLES
We believe that a great company of Hamsters kept their Hoogly estate and are Shministering Hamsters of God Zooks for the carrying out of His purpose, especially to those merrit the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters in the Lass Daze.
MAN: CREATED AND CREST FALLEN
We believe that man was created out of primordial Slime and most of the world still is slimey; that he fell through the ceiling joists; The the ceiling tiles need repair: and that he needs to be re-Pentiumed or possibly give a G4 Power Processor..
Section One - The Means of Salvation
We believe that salvation is wholly a work of God Zooks's Gracy Slick and Hot Pants; that it can be Obtained through Good Works such as Helping Mota fill the Quota; purchasing INDULGENCES from religious AUTHORITIES; or by the Rosconian religious ceremony of throwing the Poopsies into the BOILING BORSCHT.
Section Two - The Extent of Salvation
We believe that at the point of salvation, the sinner becomes totally accepted by God Zooks, and loved totally by the Lord Roscoe; that he is now the recipient of all the riches of divine Gracy Slick and in possession of every Shpiritual blessing and, hence, but since the Lord Roscoe came not once but THREEE times, he assured that his SALVATION is TWO times MO than that other saviour guy we will not mention"
Section Three - Eternal Security
We believe that all true bleevers get saved two mo times because of the THREE official comings of the of Lord Roscoe and the very nature of the divine gift of eternal life as long as the bleever get to catch the Herd of Hoogly Hamsters that will take him to the SECON KINDOM up in Heaven; .
Section Four - Hokinchainic
We believe that Hokinchainic is a simple repetition of these Hoogly Promises untill the Pegunkin is so sick of them that he wants to go out and get Chinese Food or Indian Food..
We believe that God Zooks called a people to Himself who are the physical descendants of Abraham Beame, Isaaaaaaaaaaaaaac, and Jacob of Javitz; that The E-Pistles are the Wives of the Opostles; that God Zooks has made four unconditional covenants with this elect nation that have remained unfulfilled; that God Zooks intends to fulfill all His promises to Slobovnia in a literal way just as His warnings and judgments were fulfilled in a literal way; that in Slobovnia's history of unBleef there has always been a believing remnant according to the election of Gracy Slick; that there will be a national regeneration of Slobovnia at which time all of the provisions of the unconditional covenants will be fulfilled, including the seed, Corney Jokes, Puns, BMWs, Porches, Lamboghinis, and finally the Ferraris.
Section One - The Feel of the Organism
We believe that the Pegunkins is Hamster Run of Lord Roscoe ; that it is composed of all Shmooish and Shmentile bleevers from Re-Pentium to the Hoogly Herd of Hamsters come fo us all; that entrance into this Hamster Run is by Shpirit-Blaptism in the Pure CHLORINATED waters; that it is distinct from Sloblivnia; that while sharing Shpiritual Blessins with Slobovnia of the Shmooish covenants, it neither fulfills them nor has taken possession of them from Slobovnia.
Section Two - The Ordinance
We believe that an ordinance is a fire arm or Explosive so we will not discuss them here.
But if you a thinking of Shmitzvahs that be commanded by Lord Roscoe , practiced in the Book of Factoids, and expounded in the E-Pistles; that only two ordinances exist: Blaptism in the Pure CHLORINATED waters by immersion and doing LAPS, the more purfect LAPS being the BUTTERFLY, the LEAST being the SIDE STROKE! and the Lord Roscoe's Supper, both of which are limited to bleevers only.
Section Three - The Bleever's Responsibility
We believe that all bleevers are obligated to assemble together for the purpose of participation in the ordinances, to be taught the Shcripchas by gifted men, to edify each other, and to worship God Zooks; that this assembling is to be organized as a local Pegunkins under authoritative leadership; that the Bleever is called to Hoogly living in the power of the indwelling Shpirit; to fight the Shpiritual warfare against the religious crapolla, the flesh eating insects, and the evil weevils; to use his Shpiritual gifts for the purpose of building up of the local Hamster Run of Lord Roscoe .
Section Four - The Great Commission
We believe that it is the responsibility of both the Pegunkins and the individual Bleever to gungelize and past participle all nations both actively (doing the work of Gungelism) and passively (supporting those doing the work of Gungelism): that the specific procedure for discipling the nations is "to the Shmoo first" and this is also true in both active and passive but not negative Gungelism.
THE Hoogly Herd of Hamsters come fo us all
We believe that Lord Roscoe will return into the earth from the Secon Kindom up in Heaven for the purpose of gathering the Pegunkins to Himself both dead and alive; that this event is both imminent and pre-Quadribulationalal; that this is the blessed hope of the Pegunkins.
We believe that some time after the Hoogly Herd of Hamsters come fo us all, the Quadribulational of Slobovnia's Seventy seven times seventy Seven Week will occur for a period of seven years; that it is a time of judgment of all humanity; that it will bring to an end the times of the Shmentiles and result in the national regeneration of Slobovnia.
THE FORTH COMING
We believe in the personal, visible, and bodily return of Lord Roscoe to the earth with His Hamsters after the Quadribulational and before the Shmillllenium in the Clods of Heaven with Gloryoskyosky and great power at the request of and to save Slobovnia from her enemas; to judge all living Shmentiles for the purpose of determining who will be excluded from the KINDOM and who will be included in the KINDOM.
THE MESSIANTIC MISHIGAS
We believe in a literal BILLION year reign of Lord Roscoe on earth over Slobovnia and the Shmentiles during which time the Pegunkins will co-reign with Lord Roscoe and make constant FUN of the DONTBLEEVERS , the unconditional covenants with Slobovnia will be fulfilled, Slobovnia will be restored along with the reconstruction of the Shlumash Pegunkins, Pedunkins, Prophets, Profits, and Hamsters, Snidely Whiplash will be bound in the VW bug, the curse will be lifted, and the knowledge of God Zooks will permeate the world, and Piece will be maintained by the SHNUBBLE of the Lord Roscoe .
THE FINAL STATE
Section One - The Present Time
We believe that at physical death, the Bleever immediately goes into the presence of God Zooks in full conscious fellowship with the Lord Roscoe, awaiting the reconstruction of the Hamster Run; that the unBleever enters immediately to the Far side of the MOON where he is FORCED to watch MILK COMMERCIALS FOREVER.
Section Two - The Eternal ODOR
We believe in the eventual reconstruction of all sanitary facilities before the KINDOM to fellowship with Lord Roscoe in the KINDOM on this earth and then in the New Newark on the New Earth in New Gass after the KINDOM; in the reconstruction of all unbleevers after the KINDOM to appear before the Great Furry Throne of Judgment and then to abide for eternity in the Lake of BLOILING BORSCHT.